Coming home from the hospital as a first time mom was one of the most exciting days of my life. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I couldn’t believe this tiny little human was actually coming home with us. Then reality hit.
"Oh my gosh… I have a baby."
At first, I was riding this high. I loved every second of being with Axel and could have stared at him for hours. But outside of him, I didn’t enjoy much of anything. Everything suddenly felt like work. I don’t know if it was recovering from a C section, the hormones, the sleep deprivation, or all of it combined, but I didn’t feel like myself anymore.
I went from working every day as a hospice nurse to suddenly becoming a stay at home mom. Overnight, my entire identity changed. I wasn’t seeing my coworkers anymore. I wasn’t grabbing an iced coffee on my way to work. I wasn’t deciding at the last minute to run to Target just because I wanted to. My world became the four walls of my house, and I felt like I had no idea who I was anymore.
When Postpartum Depression and Anxiety Took Over
Then postpartum depression crept into my life. Not because I didn’t love my baby. I loved him more than I ever thought possible. I just didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror.
Here’s the part I felt guilty admitting. I loved my baby. I loved my husband. I had the life I’d always prayed for. From the outside, it probably looked like I had everything. But on the inside, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t feel at home in my own life anymore, and I couldn’t understand why. How could I have everything I’d ever wanted and still feel so lost?
Then postpartum anxiety joined the party. Driving with Axel terrified me. What if someone hit us? What if something happened? What if I couldn’t protect him? Those thoughts played over and over in my head, so I stayed home. Looking back, I was doing exactly what anxiety wanted me to do. It convinced me staying home was safer, but staying home only made me feel more isolated.
I slowly stopped taking care of myself. DoorDash became dinner almost every night because cooking felt overwhelming. I developed a pretty unhealthy online shopping habit too. Every time a package showed up, I’d get this little burst of excitement. For a few minutes, I’d feel happy. Then the excitement faded, and I was right back where I started. Maybe you’ve felt that too. Trying to fill an emptiness with something that only makes you feel better for a moment.
The Day I Decided Something Had to Change
One day, I realized something had to change. Not because I wanted to bounce back. Not because I wanted to lose weight. Because I wanted my son to grow up with a mom who was living her life, not hiding from it.
So I started small. I put Axel in the stroller and started walking around the lake by our house. Honestly, I didn’t even want to go at first. I had every excuse in the book. But I went anyway. My pediatrician kept reminding me that Axel needed more vitamin D, and if I’m being honest… I probably needed it too.
Those walks slowly became part of our routine. Then I started going back to the gym. I started meeting friends for coffee instead of making excuses. I went back to therapy. I challenged myself to complete 75 Hard. Somewhere along the way, I stopped surviving and started living again.
At my heaviest, I weighed 225 pounds. Today, I weigh 163. But here’s the thing… the number on the scale was never the victory. The victory was getting my life back. It was having the energy to chase my son around the house. It was feeling strong again. It was leaving the house without fear. It was feeling like Lex again. Not the same Lex I was before motherhood, but a stronger version of her.
How I Started to Find Myself Again After Motherhood
People always ask me what helped me find myself again. Honestly? It wasn’t face masks. It wasn’t bubble baths. And it definitely wasn’t buying another HydroJug. Those things are fun, but they weren’t the answer.
For me, it started with one decision. I decided I deserved to take care of myself again. Joining classes helped. Starting Mom Gone Mild helped. Walking helped. Working out helped. Therapy helped. Eating foods that made me feel good helped. Every one of those things played a role, but none of them would’ve mattered if I hadn’t first decided that I wanted more for myself.
Don’t get me wrong. Self care is important. Take the shower. Do the face mask. Get your nails done. Drink the coffee while it’s still hot if you somehow manage to pull that off. But don’t stop there.
The real change happened when I stopped trying to fix what I saw on the outside and started healing what was going on inside. I had to learn to love and respect myself again. I had to stop letting fear make my decisions. I had to get comfortable being uncomfortable because that’s where growth happens.
You’re Not Broken, and You’re Not Alone
If you’re reading this and you feel like you’ve lost yourself after having a baby, I want you to know you’re not broken. You’re not failing, and you are definitely not alone. Motherhood changes you. It stretches you. It challenges you in ways you never expected. But it doesn’t erase you.
You don’t have to become the woman you were before having a baby. In fact, I don’t think that’s the goal. The goal is to become a version of yourself that carries everything you’ve learned through motherhood while still making room for your dreams, your passions, your friendships, and your joy.
One day you’ll look in the mirror and recognize the woman looking back. She won’t be the same woman she was before motherhood.
She’ll be stronger.
And she’ll realize she was never truly lost.
She was becoming the woman she was always meant to be.
